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Dealing with conflict

Having problems with your flatmates? Try using the tolerance scale below to self-assess your feelings about each flatmate, build up your conflict resolution message, and use the eight-step procedure for dealing with conflict.

Tolerance scale

It can be useful to determine your own feelings about the rest of your flatmates. The scale below gives you some definitions:

1. Repulsion - 'I do not want this person as a flatmate because coming in contact with them causes me a lot of discomfort'
2. Avoidance - 'This person makes me feel uncomfortable and I try to avoid them. I do not want to interact with them'
3. Tolerance - 'I am not completely comfortable with this person, but I believe it is important to treat them respectfully. I would prefer not to interact with them'
4. Acceptance - 'I am comfortable with this person and value my time with them. I listen to them and we interact well together'
5. Appreciation - This person has skills and attitudes I admire. I enjoy interacting with them and I choose to be around them'

Four part conflict resolution message

Use 'I' statements - assertive and challenging (not confrontational) and let the other person know that you have strong ideas and convictions. Using 'you' statements can be perceived as aggressive and attacking. You can start the conversation on a slow level and gently raise or lower the intensity as needed as the conversation develops.

Conflict resolution message builder:

When you	I feel	Because	I would like
Describe the other person's behaviour in specific, non-judgemental and concrete terms	Disclose your feelings about the offending behaviour in a non- judgemental manner	State the concrete and tangible effect on you in non-judgemental manner	State the specific and tangible behaviour you would like to see changed again in a non-judgemental manner
'When you embarrassed me in the kitchen this morning'	'I felt surprised and caught off guard'	'I found I was unable to concentrate for the next 10 minutes or so'	'I would prefer it in future we could talk about things like this on a one-to-one basis and in private'
Avoid the words: always, never, and every time	Avoid the words: disappointed as it is judgemental	Be objective rather than subjective	Future oriented, asking for behaviour that you believe is acceptable so as to encourage an opportunity for change, share what you are willing to do to help the resolution be successful

It is useful to ask yourself before you begin 'Do I have the right to confront this person?' so as to determine your motivation and whether there are different approaches you could use.

An eight step procedure for dealing with conflict

1. Present the issue or problem unemotionally and as neutrally as possible using an 'I' message, ask the other person to help
2. Clarify and define the issue, 'Here is how I see the problem... what do you think?' until everyone is satisfied with the definition of the problem
3. Ask the other person how they are affected by the problem, listen to their response without judgement and try to understand it from their point of view, ask for more detail if necessary to clarify and make sure the other person feels they have been understood
4. Using 'I' statement express your point of view, taking ownership of your position, expressing yourself in a straightforward and clear way so that others can understand your viewpoint. If it appears the other person is not listening, or not understanding, ask them to describe your position as they see it without interrupting them, even if it is inaccurate. When they have finished, express your position again, using different words and ask if your views are clearer now. You are not trying necessarily to get their agreement, only to make sure you understand one another
5. Work together to develop a condition on which you can all agree. Define mutual ends, aims, goals that you can agree and work towards (this is the 'there' that is often included in 'How are we going to get there?') - ask, 'What are we both after?'
6. Create alternatives - try to think of as many ways as possible for achieving your mutual objective
7. Evaluate the list of solutions and jointly choose one as a tentative solution, writing down the agreed solution and the specific actions that will be taken
8. Decide how you will each know the solution is working, design the criteria that will make this clear

NOTE: You do not have to follow these steps before coming to us for help. You can contact us at any point and we will try to resolve the situation. However, you might find it useful to try the steps above first.